Change Begins with Me

I used to think “this is just who I am, I can’t help it…” whenever my dad would yell at me to stop crying.  In other words, by the time I started to have the awareness about who Manette was, I was already shaped by my experiences and thought that much of who I was, I had inherited from my mom.

I thought Manette is shy, nerdy, overly sensitive, and quiet.  This is just who she is.  She puts up with a lot, and never speaks up.

I remember the day I decided that I didn’t want to be like my mom.  She had driven me to college in the Berkshires, and was too shy to get out of the car – afraid that she might meet a stranger and have to talk.  So I said goodbye to her while she sat behind the wheel of the car saying, “I better get going before it starts to rain.”  She wouldn’t look me in the eyes because she was afraid I’d see her crying.  I remember wanting one last hug.

I stood there with my backpack and trunk, holding back my tears, while everyone else had family helping them. At that moment, I decided to reinvent myself.  I no longer wanted to be shy and over-sensitive.

I decided to come out from behind my books, and out of my head and confront the fear that people would judge me, or that I might make a mistake.

I decided to live through my heart and try smiling.

And that is when I realized that I could change, and that the life I choose to live begins with me, living with intention and excited about the adventure.

And so it is.

The Beauty Within a Big City

There’s so much to love about London.  The bright red double decker buses, the old fashioned taxi cabs, the Tower, the Bridge, the afternoon teas, the pubs!  What I loved most was the way there was such a mix of everyone.  There were foods from all over the world, and it wasn’t by section the way we have in LA. – Koreatown, Chinatown, Little Japan, etc. – instead I was able to find Indian food, and food from Japan side by side.  There was Ethiopian, and Vietnamese, Greek and Italian all in the same block. 

I avoided all the touristy things and focused on getting to know the neighborhoods, walking everywhere, seeing how the old and new architecture were juxtaposed and somehow worked.  Each neighborhood so different from the other, and yet so diverse within.  There were tons of museums and libraries  – intentionally made free to all.  And open green parks and wonderful gardens with benches and places for people to rest – all free.  It was remarkable how few homeless people I saw.  There were churches everywhere – beautiful old churches that had signs that read,

“Open.  Fresh Coffee, Toilets and Peace available.”

“Come in for a moment to find refreshment for your body and soul.”

“This church is open for your use and enjoyment.”

I found myself stepping into these churches, and sitting, in awe of the beauty surrounding me, each time renewing and refreshing my soul, and leaving in even deeper gratitude for the gift of acceptance and love.

The streets were clean and on the pavement at each corner curb were the words painted in big white lettering, “look left” or “look right” for those who were deaf or busy looking at their phones, and the traffic signals spoke to let the blind know when it was safe to cross.  

I left London wanting to return, wanting to learn more, wanting to continue my exploration of history and humankind.  I left London inspired to be a better person.  I left London realizing that I had fallen in love with a city that had learned from past mistakes, and clearly had put a lot of thought into thinking about everyone, their differences, their challenges, and their common needs and desires.

finding peace as i listen

“nothing’s done right around here!” my father complained.

“i can’t eat this liver! it’s not cooked all the way!”

“mommy and i are not going back to that dentist!  he doesn’t know anything about old people.  he’s too young!”

“why should i have him clean my teeth, when i can clean them myself?”

“all he wants is our money.  he doesn’t even clean them, he has some young girl clean them.”

“we need an old dentist who knows old people.”

i’ve learned over the years not to engage in an argument with my dad.  he and i see things differently.  i don’t have to try and convince him to see it my way, and experience yelling, disrespect and disdain.  instead i choose to listen with my heart, and hear his fear.  i can let him vent, and allow the peace within me be my friend.

 

finding gratitude and peace within as i reconnect with nature

as i begin my journey of self reflection and self love, i’ve chosen to explore nearby joshua tree.  i chose joshua tree because it’s not too far (tiny steps :)), and it’s a place i’ve never explored before.  i’m hoping to bask in its peace and serenity and reconnect to mine.

my purpose is to experience something so new to me, that i’ll see with a new set of eyes, and reawaken all my senses.  it will be my first place of a new beginning, like baby odin, as he absorbs this new world before him – i will be expanding my ability to be open to learning, observing, and seeing things with a fresh and renewed mindset and heart.

i love nature, but like many, i spend too much of my day away from it. as i set out on this adventure of mine, i’m hoping to reconnect to nature in a way that brings a greater appreciation of the miracles god has created and continues to grant us everyday.  i’m hoping to reconnect to the gratitude that abounds within, but sometimes gets forgotten in the rush of daily living.

this morning’s ocean’s waves were giant and rough, in response to the other day’s downpour and floods.  it was a beautiful site, reminding me of nature’s unpredictability and power and as i head towards the desert where yet another miraculous part of nature lies, my excitement wells as i see the clear magnificent blue of the sky that watches over me and all of us.

creating meaning in my life can be as simple as touching someone’s heart

as i spend time with my parents i’m getting to know a lot of their dear sweet friends, and i’m realizing just how precious life is….  their friends are always so happy to see me. so happy to be hugged, so a happy to have someone listen to their story, whether it be a complaint or a piece of gratitude.  they just love that someone is taking the time to listen.

i find comfort in knowing that i’ve made a difference in someone’s day, with a simple hug and the making of time to listen.

the more i listen, the more i hear stories of suffering, loss, sadness. everyone has experienced some form of pain.  but what seems to be the most revealing, is that there are those who are still wallowing in the pain, (and these folks always have something to complain about, usually the food) and then there are those who were able to dig deep and find meaning from the pain and have created joy in their lives (and these folks always have something nice to say – ‘you make me so happy’).

i can spend my live searching for the meaning of life, or i can rise and create meaning. just as i can spend time pondering ‘who am i’ , or i can make choices to create the me i want to become.  i like to think that in the creation of meaning in my life, i can consciously pick up the pen, and write my own story.  no one does it for me.

and i now know that i can’t pick up the pen for someone else and write theirs…as much as i would like to help.

everyone has his own story to write.

 

finding your passion in your soul and sharing it with the world is to live soulfully and fully

giovanny fernandez –  a young man i met the other day while eating at the museum.  he approached us with a big smile, and a bounce to his step to take our order for dinner.  he talked with his eyes, his hands, his body and he had so much to share!

“how are you today? did you see the picasso and rivera exhibit? oh it’s just so amazing! i love art! i see art everywhere i go! even in the kitchen when i serve these dishes.  the chef is an artist! every dish i bring you, you will see the art! i am so lucky to be working here!”

i just wanted to take this young man’s energy and enthusiasm for life and package it up and share it with the world!  he was beyond adorable!

we went on to have a discussion about his love of art, and how’s he’s working on a piece of art that incorporates all kinds of objects that some people would consider trash but he’s repurposing to be art. he was over the top excited about his project, and clearly it meant so much to his soul to be creating it to eventually share with the world.

if we all lived with this kind of passion, this kind of desire to make the most out of life, our world would be such a happy beautiful soulful place.