Dear sweet friend,
I’m making some time for myself – sleeping in my own bed, back to my routine of yoga and meditation first thing in the morning, cooking in my kitchen and gardening in my yard. I’m starting to surface and find the air I’ve been missing.
The month of February just flew by, beginning with Feb. 1, taking my mom into the doctor’s office due to her rapid, raspy breathing, only to discover that her heart was racing at 167. My poor mom had been running a marathon all this time, trying her best to be there for my dad, who just could not see what life would be like without her.
“You can’t leave me, mommy! Please!,” he begged,
as she lay there hooked up to machines. I could feel her slipping away so I asked her to squeeze my hand if she wanted to go home without any tubes. She squeezed just as hard as her little body could.
The palliative care doctor told us that it would be a matter of a few days, but he didn’t know my mom. She stayed with us without any tubes or machines for 16 more days, allowing us to gather around her everyday to sing, play music, share stories, cry, laugh and express our gratitude. Odin was scheduled to visit Feb. 16th, so she hung on. She was a woman of strength, determination, and love.
yes, my father was a wreck. We tried our best to have him focus on telling her stories, playing his harmonica and singing to her, and when he did, you could see his love for her. But when he wasn’t in the mood to share, he was in a place of fear, begging her not to leave.
They had known each other for nearly 70 years, and I guess if you only know life with someone in it, it’s hard to imagine what life will be like without her. Even though he could see the pain she was in, he just refused to let her go.
I tried to prepare him for the inevitable. We all did. The spiritual counselor, Earl, had seen this before, but nothing this severe.
“You’re giving up! Stop talking like that! she’s permanent!!!!,” he yelled, walking away, hitting the air as he did. He’d never heard someone believe that a person could be ‘permanent’.
Denial is a powerful force that keeps our hearts from opening and experiencing the truth. Perhaps it’s our way of staying in control. It allows us to keep living the dream, telling ourselves the story we want to believe. In the end, when the truth can no longer be blocked, the lie we kept wanting to be reality, finally dissolves.
Acceptance is a beautiful place where we no longer have to be tortured. Acceptance brings us peace and serenity. It is here that we are finally aligned with the universe – that which is just as it is.