It’s not an easy lesson to learn, but I must admit, it may be one of the most important. I spent so much of my life pleasing others, nurturing them and fixing them. But if I don’t take the time to love myself and care for myself, I can get to a very unhealthy place. I can start to feel the anxiety that rules my father’s life, and I become the victim of his wrath.
So I left my mom in the hospital, with the caregiver and my dad to bring her home. I stayed until my work called, early afternoon, and she wasn’t officially released until 6 pm. In the old days, I would have let myself get frazzled, and perhaps frantic and victimized, and definitely wrought with guilt. I knew I was trying my best and that I wasn’t going to be able to fix the situation.
After work, I headed over to spend time with my daughter, Riki. The peace and calm that she and I share is beautiful. There’s nothing about her that I ever want to change, and I have the feeling she feels the same way about me. We accept each other just the way each is, and that is certainly not what I experience when I’m around my father.
It was full moon last night, so Riki and I headed down to the shore to watch the moon rise over the ocean. My dear friend Cori had told me about yoga under the full moon, and I’m so very grateful she didl. It was magical – a giant ball of gold, rising from the ocean. It was perfectly round and seemed to grow as it rose. We did our moon salutations under the stars as we listened to the crickets sing, and water hit the shore. The cool ocean breeze touched our faces, and I could feel the love embrace my soul as the moon’s bright light bathed us.
Life may not be what we want it to be. Having Parkinson’s sucks. My mom may decide not to be fed through a tube, it’s her choice. As I sat there becoming one with the moon’s light, I could feel the many blessings that surrounded me, and I knew everything was going to be just fine.