i love you even when i can’t be there

how crazy to be going through life with so many labels, titles, roles, that somehow help define who i am, with certain expectations.  when in reality i’m simply ‘me’ living through the heart.  ‘divorced’ or ‘married’ are the labels people may ask of me, ‘manette’ is who i am.

i’m in new york city for a couple of weeks being ‘grandma’- that’s my current label.  the other day before leaving for my trip, i was helping my dad with his financial obligations, talking to his bank. i was the dutiful ‘daughter’ then, as the representative asked my relation to the ‘authorized user’.

today hugging ren as she left for her first day back to work, i could feel the ‘mother’ inside overwhelm me, as i felt the tears in her eyes well up. i hugged her harder. the ‘mother’ in my ‘daughter’ wanted to stay and be with her ‘son’. the memory of how i felt when i left her 32 years ago for my first day back to work returned; i literally became ren for a moment.  i was a mess. she was just a wee one and i didn’t want to leave her…ever. when i went back to work, my mother was in taiwan, no where near to help me make the transition from ‘stay at home mom’ to ‘working mom’, when in actuality i was simply ‘me’ loving my baby whether working from home or from my office at the university. i was simply ‘me’ loving my baby.

when i can live without the labels, i feel the personal freedom to be me. when i’m liberated of the labels, i am in connection with my true self. i can be at peace being ‘me’.

living within the definition of the label, i experience the ‘should’s’, the ‘ought to’s’, the judgement and comparison…within the label i experience the guilt or the obligation that keeps me from the truth.

the truth is i’m doing the best that i can and as long as my intention is from the heart, purely and simply from the heart, then i know i’m fine, regardless of the label.  i can’t be there for my parents right now because i want to be here for my daughter and grand baby. does that make me a ‘bad’ person as my dad tells me ‘but you’ll be gone for so long!’…i don’t have to take on any guilt, i can simply say, ‘yup, and i’ll facetime as much as possible. i love you guys so much!’





2 thoughts on “i love you even when i can’t be there

  1. We can’t always ‘be’ there for the ones we love and sometimes, just sometimes, that becomes a gift for them to find their own strength, their own journey, their own confidence and their own way. Taking care of others full-time drains you. Those who love you, want you to love yourself, even if their fear and their current level of consciousness isn’t showing that. I love you. XO

    Liked by 1 person

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