as the pain increases, one has to wonder

my mom’s struggles continue.  complications with her digestion are increasing and she has no way of communicating exactly what she wants.  it’s one of the most frustrating experiences to be around.  is she feeling constipated? is she struggling with gas?  is she suffering from severe cramps?  is it heartburn?  is it her stomach, or her intestines?

we’ve tried giving her a writing pad, but her handwriting is a complete scribble; we’ve tried having her point to various phrases, words, letters, but her eyes can’t seem to focus.  we’ve tried an app on the iPad that speaks when she points to common phrases.  but she isn’t able to steady her hand enough to be precise in her pointing, and she ends up pointing at a multiple of phrases and sounding like a robot gone crazy.

she doesn’t know how to  let us know what she wants.  i hate to see her in pain, and i find myself wondering if she’s holding on just so she can see baby odin.  they arrive late friday night, and i know his smile will make her day explode with joy.

she now has a bedsore that doesn’t seem to be improving.  we have a wound specialist coming to take a look tomorrow.  it’s clear to me that her skin is getting increasingly thin. she’s getting weaker and spending more time in bed, increasing her chances of more sores, and the deterioration of the existing sore.  this is not the way she ever wanted to live.

i pray for things to improve for her, but honestly, this disease is a wicked, steady decline in all areas of one’s body and life. i love her so much, and as i hold her close, i know she wants to tell me it’s time to go, but maybe i’m only imagining those words, as i listen to her pain through her silent scream.

i look into her eyes, i listen to her heart, and i can hear her never-ending love but i also hear her sadness.

i tell my children, if i ever were to get this way , i hope there will be a way for me to bow out gracefully, tell them i love them, close my eyes and go to sleep forever.

 

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “as the pain increases, one has to wonder

  1. Heartbreaking. I remember that … I remember virtually praying for the universe to take my mother when her suffering became unspeakable. And then … eventually …. she DID pass through that doorway and we all grieved all the same. Yes, the love and the sadness all mixed together. Hang in there … so tough.

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  2. Manette, Ro & I would like to get together with you for tea. Also, Dave passed away peacefully in his sleep the morning of December 18th. It’s been challenging, but the love & support from the community, friends, and family has really helped. We miss you! ❤

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    1. oh my oh my tracey….i’m so sad to hear of Dave passing. I had no idea that he was even close…oh i want so much to give you a hug. i apologize for being so out of the loop. i would love to see you and sweet Ro. We have so much to share. what is the best way to get in touch? my email is manette.mcdermott@gmail.com
      sending so much love and light, and huge hugs. I MISS you two!!

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  3. Believe Manette that God hears her and is with her. She is not alone and her prayers will be answered ! The bond between mother and child is the strongest and we always question if we could have done something else something more to make it better! But we can’t only God can so we have to let Him🙏 No matter when what age and how , it hurts so bad to let go of our moms! Love you❤

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