my mom’s struggles continue. complications with her digestion are increasing and she has no way of communicating exactly what she wants. it’s one of the most frustrating experiences to be around. is she feeling constipated? is she struggling with gas? is she suffering from severe cramps? is it heartburn? is it her stomach, or her intestines?
we’ve tried giving her a writing pad, but her handwriting is a complete scribble; we’ve tried having her point to various phrases, words, letters, but her eyes can’t seem to focus. we’ve tried an app on the iPad that speaks when she points to common phrases. but she isn’t able to steady her hand enough to be precise in her pointing, and she ends up pointing at a multiple of phrases and sounding like a robot gone crazy.
she doesn’t know how to let us know what she wants. i hate to see her in pain, and i find myself wondering if she’s holding on just so she can see baby odin. they arrive late friday night, and i know his smile will make her day explode with joy.
she now has a bedsore that doesn’t seem to be improving. we have a wound specialist coming to take a look tomorrow. it’s clear to me that her skin is getting increasingly thin. she’s getting weaker and spending more time in bed, increasing her chances of more sores, and the deterioration of the existing sore. this is not the way she ever wanted to live.
i pray for things to improve for her, but honestly, this disease is a wicked, steady decline in all areas of one’s body and life. i love her so much, and as i hold her close, i know she wants to tell me it’s time to go, but maybe i’m only imagining those words, as i listen to her pain through her silent scream.
i look into her eyes, i listen to her heart, and i can hear her never-ending love but i also hear her sadness.
i tell my children, if i ever were to get this way , i hope there will be a way for me to bow out gracefully, tell them i love them, close my eyes and go to sleep forever.