i didn’t date when i was in high school. i jumped from being the dutiful daughter, to being the loyal girlfriend when i fell in love with the first boy who said ‘hi’ to me that first day of college.
back in those days we didn’t have computers. we took handwritten notes, and back then we typed up our papers and submitted them on real paper. and because we didn’t have computers, not everyone knew how to type. my boyfriend was one of those. time was precious and we had deadlines to meet. but this is how crazy i was – it was more important to me that i get all of my boyfriend’s papers typed perfectly and that he get his ‘A’ than it was for me to do well in my classes. i remember typing his papers before getting to study for my chemistry exam, not that he demanded that of me, but that i wanted that for him. that’s how unhealthy my idea of a relationship was.
when someone else’s well being is more important than my own, this is when i knew i needed to make a change.
this desire to please and serve continued into our marriage as i made foods that only he liked. they weren’t foods that i liked to eat, but they were foods he liked. and even thought i knew they weren’t the healthiest foods, i continued to make them because i knew he would like them. so when my adult children ask me now why i didn’t serve them the green foods that they love and i create today, and i tell them because their dad didn’t like those foods, they look at me like i was crazy. seriously, mom?
seriously. that’s how sick i was.
so today i pause, and ask myself. do i value myself enough to say,
‘am i happy living this way?’ and
‘am i staying because his happiness is more important than mine?’
i had to let go of the fear that he might hurt himself if i left him. and i had to get over the fear of hurting him and destroying his happiness if i left. i can’t and will not be his happiness. he has to find his own.
i had to ask myself, ‘am i worthy of doing something that will be healthy for me and will nourish my heart?’
i had to quiet the noise of my ego telling me i was mean, and i had to find self-compassion and acknowledge my own pain by listening to my heart.