i’ve spent all my life trying to please others, and trying my best to be liked by everyone. judging myself on how well i fit in, how well i was liked, and by whom. i didn’t want anyone to not like me. so in high school i didn’t want to be part of any cliques. i tried to be nice to everyone. i didn’t want to have a label “jock”, “slut”, “hippy”, “boy crazy”, “drama queen”, so i spent a lot of time with my books, so i admit, maybe people thought of me as a “nerd”, but i tried not to be one by not hanging with the “nerds”.
the problem with living this way, is that i never got to develop any deep friendships, and i never really got to understand who i wanted to become, because i was always gauging my progress based on others – if they thought i was nice – instead of just allowing myself to love who i was becoming and what things and people in life i loved.
“where do you want to go?,” friends would ask.
“wherever you want to go; you pick,” i’d respond wanting them to know i’m cooperative.
“what do you want to eat?,” my then boyfriend would ask.
“whatever you want to eat; i’m not picky.” letting him make all the decisions.
by letting others run my life, i didn’t risk having people not like me. wow, she’s so easy to get along with. and if i was always trying to please others, then i had no time to pause and please myself, i had no idea how to do something i liked, because i never wanted to be perceived as selfish.
and so as i listen to my heart, and make this decision to nourish my soul, i ask myself if i’m being selfish, or am i loving myself first.
there will be people who will perceive me as selfish, but i know in my heart that i’m loving myself first. what other people think of me is their business not mine.
and there’s a huge difference between being selfish and nourishing self love.
being selfish is about feeding my ego and my desires and having things my way. pleasing others so people think that i’m a good person, feeds my ego.
nourishing my heart and soul is about connecting to my higher self, and finding a relationship with my universe and spiritual self that is about peace and not conflict, and not living for approval from others, but in truth and honesty, no secrets or lies.
all these years i’ve had a difficult time practicing self love and self care. i never knew how to nourish my soul first before caring for others. in a sense caring for others i thought was nourishing my soul, but what i’ve finally realized is that if i don’t nourish my heart and soul first, then my efforts to nourish others, simply leads to trying to please and gain acceptance and love from others, from others outside myself.
now that i’ve learned to look inside, deep inside myself, i’m seeing the world through my heart. as i make this move to love myself, to continue on my spiritual growth, people may not understand my path. the important thing, is that i do.
i am choosing to leave a situation that was not healthy for me, and choosing to nourish that part of me that i tend to neglect. i’m breaking old habits, and creating new ones.
i’m choosing to live a life fulfilled, one whose foundation is based on loving my heart and soul first, before serving others and their needs.