my life in a nutshell

i spent the first third of my life striving for perfection, afraid to make a mistake; the second third of my life hiding the fact that i wasn’t perfect and feeling ashamed; and the latter part of my life admitting and accepting all of my imperfections and celebrating who i really am and who i am creating – i’m simply and purely an imperfect, beautiful human trying her best to learn the lessons of the universe – forever changing, forever teachable, forever bathed in love and forever grateful.

there once was a little girl who wanted so much to please her parents. she wanted to be perfect. so she spent the first 18 years of her life striving for perfection, afraid to make a mistake. not wanting to appear stupid or wrong, she studied hard, and rarely talked. she was super shy.

she went off to college where she was surrounded by very intelligent people, and she started to feel ‘less than’, she started to doubt her abilities, and she started to make mistakes. but because she still wanted to be perceived as perfect, she never wanted to admit her mistakes. but deep inside she felt ashamed and disappointed in herself.

the first day of college, a very handsome boy smiled at her,  and she fell in love with him right away.  and she went from pleasing her parents to wanting to please him.

they married, had four beautiful children, and those children grew and went out into the world to contribute in meaningful ways.  her children inspired her as they found careers and passions that challenged them.  their marriage began to have problems.

she found herself wondering what would it be like to be out in the world, not as someone’s daughter, not as someone’s wife, but just as ‘manette’, without a label, without the desire to please.  what if she valued and loved herself enough to walk away from a marriage of 34 years to pursue a curiosity about herself and to learn to love herself first?

her dream  – to see love as growing, expanding, and never ending, that a couple can always remain friends, no longer enmeshed in an unhealthy marriage, but still very much a part of their children’s lives.

this now 60-year old woman wonders – what would it be like to just focus on creating the woman she was meant to be?

 

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