this is the way it seems to me, there are three ways of thinking of ourselves. there’s the image of who you think you are, then there’s the person you want people to think you are, and then there’s who you really are. it seems to me, when all three mesh, you are in harmony with the universe. it’s when the three are all different that there’s conflict, discord, disharmony and discontent.
remember the little kid who was so well behaved at school and then comes home and is the brattiest kid ever? maybe your raised one of these, or maybe you were that kid growing up. the kid who wants so very much to be the good little boy who listens to his teacher, who wants people to think that he’s such a good boy, the one who gets glowing reports from his teacher, and then just can’t hold it together at home.
for the past week and a half, brian’s been that beautiful kid who is truly that loving, fun, compassionate spirit, who he believes he is, and who everyone who meets him thinks he is. from the wedding through my birthday weekend, he’s been such a joy to be around.
but things shifted on the way back from the music festival. suddenly the world was against him, and nothing was going his way. it started once we entered LA traffic, and everyone was in his way. for him, no one was driving fast enough, everyone was doing stupid things, and he was the only good driver out there.
he suddenly reverted to the man he feared he was most of his life, the spirit of the man he didn’t want to become, the man he thought he truly was – he became his father. the one who would tailgate, and grumble and criticize other drivers. the man who was overstressed and discontent.
this behavior continued at home, and nothing i was doing was in accord with what he wanted. i made him a sandwich, but he wasn’t hungry. i started a full load of dirty clothes from the trip, but i forgot to put in the clothes that he had in the hamper. i gave him space to be who he thought he was, his angry and discontent father. but i continued to believe in the man i know he truly is, the loving and kind man i married. and i didn’t take his disgruntled mood personally.
he hates remembering the man he feared growing up, and when he realized what was happening, he took the day yesterday to completely shut down, get in touch with the man he knows he is and slowly began to mesh the three images of himself into one.
perhaps this new day will be easier for him.