our night caregiver was having an intense pain in her chest and had to head to the hospital friday night. thankfully my younger sister, mimi, was there for one more night. the good news is that our caregiver is now fine, but the sad news is that she has heart problems which now complicate her ability to work.
my weekend was spent caring for my mom and interviewing new possible caregivers. how amazing our journey is. i found myself back to being a mama in every little way.
i remembered those days trying to understand my baby and her every need. there were no words to hear, just the little sounds she would make, while she slept and while awake. i remember looking into her eyes and knowing what she needed, and the times i couldn’t quite get it and i’d get into my head and fear i didn’t know what i was doing. i remember trying to sleep at night, exhausted from the busy day, but not fully able to sleep because i was on the alert listening for her breathing, her movements, her pains, her happy gurgles… her dreams.
we were connected through our hearts. not really knowing what to do, but allowing my heart to lead by instinct. and my baby trusting me one hundred percent. the way she trusted me as i held her, the way i did when i cradled her in my womb.
i was reliving those days, when i was a new mama, but this time i’m a little more experienced, and this time, the baby i’m holding is my mother. the baby i’m changing is my mama. even as i ‘slept’ my dreams were filled with hearing my mom need me, just the way i would dream about my babies needing me. i’d get up and check on her. i’d listen to her breathing, touch her soft face, kiss her forehead and hold her sweet hand.
even her skin is that of a baby’s now.
connected through the heart, there are no words, no judgement, just love, total trust and acceptance. i don’t have to wish parkinson’s away, i don’t have to wish things were different, i just have to accept the situation as it is, and hold and love every possible moment i have with her. i am a mother, a daughter and a mother again.
and when she cries, i know she and i are connected. her tears are mine.