it starts with a tiny step to change. actually it starts with looking at myself, and my parts, and agreeing that i can’t change it all at once.
i have to be be aware and open to change. but the willingness to change isn’t enough. i actually have to commit to that change, and then i have to practice, again and again. every moment is an opportunity to practice the change that i wish to take place.
i used to identify with the woman who cries every time she’d hear someone yell. i would actually say, “that’s just who i am. i cry. that’s my true self. you can’t make me change”
did i like that part of me? the person who felt like a victim, trapped and disrespected…no
when i realized that i could detach from that learned reaction (one that i observed my mom living my whole life), i could actually choose a different response to the same situation. and in choosing a different response, i slowly began to transform and find peace in my life.
my husband used to yell as his way of expressing anger. (my father still uses this way) brian has learned a different way now, but he had to consciously choose not to be his father. he had to say to himself, “i am not like my father. i choose not to yell.” when i stopped crying in reaction to his yelling he could see that he wasn’t his father.
it started with me making the commitment to change. and maybe it started with him making a commitment to change too. if the situation was to improve, one of us or both of us had to make a tiny step to begin to change.
i used to think i didn’t have anger. then i realized that my way of manifesting anger was to cry. just because i never yelled didn’t mean i didn’t feel anger. we both felt anger, we just manifested the anger in different ways – i, in a way i had observed in my mother, and brian, in a way he had observed in his father. no wonder we got along. we were relating in ways that were familiar from learned behaviors.
as i detach from learned behaviors that cause conflict, turmoil and drama, i pause and commit to change. i commit to a different choice that comes through my heart. i commit to connecting, relating and listening. at first it feels unfamiliar, and uncomfortable, and ‘not me’, but i pause and detach from the ‘me’ i thought i was, and identify with the ‘me’ i am creating.
internally the anger that i feel, i acknowledge, and then release. i don’t have to throw it at anyone, i can just let it go, allow the other person his space to release his, i stop taking things personally, and i consciously choose peace.
i consciously choose an attitude that no longer compares or judges or defends.
it begins with me making the conscious choice to use my heart instead of my head to relate instead of divide. i see we each have our own perspective. i honor his and find no need to try and change his to be more like mine. i choose to listen and learn.