my life changed when i let go of the idea that people were controlling me. in my efforts to be liked or to fit in, i was always deferring to others. when asked, where do you want eat? what do you want to do? – ‘oh whatever you want to do’, would be my response.
i would think to myself, if i let them choose, then they would like me better. and then when they would choose, and it wasn’t what i really wanted, i’d feel less than, belittled and unworthy.
the truth is, i knew so little of myself, that it got to the point, where i honestly didn’t know what i wanted…until someone else chose, and then i’d feel controlled. i had been doing this all my life, and pretty soon my self worth was so low, that i began to think that my opinion didn’t matter.
this way of thinking began when i was a little girl. my two sisters and i would follow my mother’s lead, and try and please my father. we would do anything to make him happy and to keep him from getting mad. in other words, we actually thought we could control his moods.
i actually grew up thinking my behavior determined my father’s moods, and determined whether i deserved my mother’s love. in other words, i couldn’t love myself, without looking to see how other’s around me were going to respond.
in my transformation, i had to learn to love myself, without relying on someone else to show me i deserved to be loved, or to give me love that i was seeking. what i’ve come to see, is that love is not something you earn or deserve. love is unconditional. when you live through your heart, love is simply there, available at all times.
when you grow up thinking that love is conditional, it’s easy to think that someone else’s behavior determines your mood. you lose the ability to be responsible for your own moods, and to choose your attitude and your state of being. in other words, i found myself saying things like, “he made me so mad…” “he made me so sad…” “if it weren’t for him, my life would be so good” “if he hadn’t done such and such, i could be so happy.”
i realize now that nobody “makes me anything…”….nobody is responsible for my moods, feelings or state of being. in every situation i have a choice in how i’m going to respond. i can have an initial reaction that i acknowledge is a conditioned response from my past, but after i let it go, i can consciously choose to have a different response – a response that is going to allow me to be in a place of peace.
the place of conflict is in my head. my ego is that part of me that wants to be right, that part of me that wants to be in control. so if someone does something that is not according to what i wanted, it’s my ego that is hurt. and in letting go of my ego, and allowing my heart to lead, i find forgiveness.
when my ego leads, i resent; when my heart leads, i forgive.
my ego remembers in pain and chooses to suffer. my heart remembers in gratitude and chooses peace.