it’s less than a week away from our daughter’s wedding – our first child to marry. i can’t describe how am overflowing with emotion…it’s as if my heart has been opened, and everything that is said and done is full of so much meaning.
ren’s fiance, eric, arrived the other day, and it has been pure joy watching the two of them interact. they are so good for each other. i love their relationship! and i love eric. yesterday he stopped at a pep boys to buy a bulb for my rear brake light, and then proceeded to fix it for me! no one asked him to do that, he just did it because he knew i would appreciate it, and boy did i… (plus he didn’t want me to get a ticket..hehe.)
i love the way ren and eric know each other so well, and they have such a good understanding of letting the other person be who s/he is, and not who they want the other to be. they have great respect for their differences, and find great joy in being who each is. it’s nice to see the freedom they give each other just to be, not wanting to change the other to be what the other wants.
for years i believed that i was the easiest person to live with, and if only brian could be more like me, all our problems and difficulties would disappear. and when he started to show signs of depression, and things worsened, there was a part of me that started to say, “i don’t have to live with this. i could find someone else and be a lot happier. i’m the easiest person to live with…” but i’d look into his eyes, and i’d see the little boy in there, the one who was in so much pain, the one who felt guilty for not being able to protect his mom, the one who wasn’t worthy of being loved because he was never perfect enough for his dad, the one who was no longer providing for his family in the way he wanted to be able to provide…i’d see his true essence, and i knew i could never leave him. and that my choice was to stay, and to find ways to learn from my situation, to grow, and to change within.
i had to consciously choose to love him just the way he was, and to stop wanting him to be who i wanted. i had to consciously choose to love him just the way he is. almost as soon as i started working on myself, finding hidden talents, getting away from that place of judgement and criticism, that i experienced a shift in how he and i were now relating. the tension that was there, disappeared, and the peace that i began to discover within, overflowed into our relationship.
yes we have choices, and so often we think those choices only to be external – that things will get better once we change jobs, or move to a different city, or find a better husband or wife. true, i can choose to leave, but along with that external choice, i still have work to do. because it’s the choices that i make internally, that result in a change within, that help me grow. in growing and learning from my personal journey, i need to learn to make internal mindful choices that are going to result in how i experience the world from now on.
so i practice. i practice detaching from the internal voice that is self righteous and judgmental. i may not be able to control my thoughts, but i can choose not to have my thoughts control me, or become me. when a critical thought comes to me, i can detach from that thought, mindfully choose to listen with my heart, and to speak instead with kindness from my heart. it is the conscious choices that i now make that result in a change in how i experience the world. i love the peace that surrounds me, and it truly is a precious gift.