it’s funny how so much of what i learned from my parents, i’m actually working hard to discard. don’t get me wrong. i love my parents and am so filled with gratitude for all that they have given me. i guess what i’m saying is that a lot of their beliefs don’t align with my core being, which resulted in living with a lot of conflict in my mind. as i incorporated many of my mother’s beliefs into my head (because she was the loudest – ‘you need to make lots of money, you need to be better than others, you need to be smart, you don’t want people to see you have problems, only weak people need god…what are people going to think of you?’), making her voice become my inner voice, i began to identify with those thoughts as me. it caused a ton of confusion and conflict in my busy mind, and kept me from hearing my true self.
let me try and explain, as i’m trying to understand this concept myself. the fact that we are all different, each and everyone of us, no matter if we’re blood related or not, same family or not, we are all different at the cellular level, our egos are distinctly different, means we will have different perspectives. as i grew, hearing my mother’s voice telling me what is right, wrong, what i should be focussed on, where i should be going in life, who i should like, who i should stay away from…she was feeding my ego and helping me shape my perceptions of the world, including the image of myself. and yet all along she was loving me with her heart.
as she loved me, i learned that feeling of security, understanding, and belonging. as she fed my ego, and rewarded me every time i did something that to her was worthy of reward, i began to associate my hard work with conditional love and pleasing others, and being judged by others. all the things my heart enjoyed for the pure passion of doing, suddenly became associated with my ego’s desires for recognition, reward and judgement. i began to live a life of entitlement, where i believed that the work i put forth deserved external reward, and when life didn’t reward, i felt cheated, frustrated or discontent.
if i work hard for the external rewards, life can feel unfulfilling, because ultimately life isn’t about winning, losing, or being judged by others. life is actually about connecting and relating, so when i work hard for internal fulfillment, and not to compete with my fellows, i am no longer in conflict, and i experience serenity.
if i’m always associating success with external ‘likes’ on Facebook, or twitter, or how much money i have in the bank, then i’m always going to want more. i’m feeding my ego. if i associate ‘success’ with my internal heart, there is no comparing myself to others. i can be working hard, for the pure passion of doing something that i love, without hearing my mother’s voice that i should be doing something else to get somewhere better. there is nowhere better than ‘now’.
i seek my inner voice, by detaching from my mother’s voice, my learned voice. i look into my heart, i silence the chatter in my head, and there i find peace. i find my creative self when i enter the flow of the universe, where you and i are invited to find joy and fulfillment. it is through the heart that i begin to experience my true self. that’s where i can love myself, and not deny myself love because i’m not good enough in other people’s eyes.
when i fall in love with of the process of discovery, imagination, creativity and the unknown, and not with the result, life finds meaning.