the other night before going to bed, i smiled at brian and said, ‘it seems like you had a good day.’ he looked at me, ‘you have no idea, do you?’
he’s right, i have no idea what’s it’s like to live with depression.
and then he said, ‘i’ve been doing this all my life. i’m a good actor. remember?’
i remember identifying with my label of being ‘shy’ and going through that phase where i practiced not being shy, hoping that one day i could shed that label. i remember feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, not knowing who i really was. was i really shy? or was that just the little girl who was afraid to come out and play? i remember trying to act not shy. i remember trying to find words that could express what i was feeling, and worrying that the words might be wrong. i remember feeling watched, observed, judged…as somehow not quite fitting in. i remember not fitting in. that feeling of wanting to fit in, and just not quite getting it right. i remember thinking i was the only one being left out.
what i now know in living from the heart, is that if i just listen to my heart, and allow myself to detach from the chatter in my head – my ego – i can be at peace with myself, accept who i am…and simply love who i am – an ever changing human being, fully capable of mistakes and completely willing to learn from them so that i can grow and continue to see that my heart is huge when i allow it to be open. and that i have choices. being able to choose to be at peace by living through my heart, instead of in conflict living through the chatter of my ego, who always seems to want more.